Life at its most basic level is
about relationships…about connection. And the quality of one’s life is
fundamentally shaped by the quality of one’s connections. The quality
of one’s connections, in turn, is determined by one’s own relationship
skills and qualities and those with whom he or she chooses to connect.
Life at its core is really that simple and fortunate is the person who
makes the “connection” about connection.
Of
course this is not to suggest that life is simple because it’s not. It
is really quite complicated. But the idea above, the one that reduces
life to connection, is really not that hard to appreciate. For
centuries writers, poets, and musicians have lauded the virtues of
connection in all of its shades and hues. Today social scientists use
the term “attachment” to discuss connection but the subject matter is
still the same. Connection, in all its various forms, is the thread
that weaves together the tapestry of human history all the while
infusing it with tremendous potential.
By
making the claim above I am mindful that the thoughtful reader will
likely be put off by such a sweeping assertion. Certainly many
objections to this claim can be raised and should be acknowledged.
Surely the quality of one’s life is determined by many things outsides
the bounds of the narrow discussion of connection. The quality of a
blind person’s life is surely limited by merely being blind isn’t it?
Or doesn’t the suffering experienced by those living in extreme poverty
mediate the quality of their existence? Well, if by diminished
“quality” you mean to say that life is more difficult for people facing
any of the myriad sufferings that this world has to offer, then the
answer would certainly be “yes.”
But
what we must remember is that the sufferings of this life are not
optional for any of us…they are a given. Everyone suffers at different
times and for different reasons. And severe suffering can cause even
the most well-adjusted among us to experience times where we wonder if
life is even worth living. But the quality of our lives is not
necessarily determined by the presence or absence of difficulties.
What we in fact discover, if we are fortunate enough to experience
meaningful and healthy relationships, is that the sufferings of this
life are mediated and the joys magnified by the quality of our
connections. Ultimately, it is our connections, our relationships, that
help to enhance the quality or contentment or happiness that we
experience in life.
Now
to acknowledge the simple truth above and better yet to determine that
we are going to cultivate our relationships is a good thing…a simple
decision. But to live out that decision, as we all know, is not so
simple. In fact it may be one of the most complicated and challenging
things that we will ever do. But the rewards are more than worth it for
those who are brave enough to renew their commitment to their
relational world.
New
idea? Not really. Underappreciated? Most assuredly. Let me invite
you to recommit to forming and nurturing meaningful and healthy
connections in your life. Become a student of relationships and what
makes them work. And set goals for self-improvement that include
identifying and working on your own relationship weak spots. The
benefits will be well worth it.
“If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together”
African Proverb
Two
are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If
one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Eccl. 4:9-10
Asa R. Sphar III, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT
Professor / Chair, Psychology and Counseling Department - NOBTS (1993 - 2007)
Author: Helping Hurting People: Reconciliation-Focused Counseling
Director: Counseling Services of Austin, LLC